Today, I am 47 years old. This time last year, the proverbial crap was hitting the fan but oh so slowly. I physically wasn't feeling that great (not Covid) and I was off work. As the days slowly passed, all of my cultural interests were closing around me. I managed to get to the Andy Warhol exhibition on the Sunday before the Tate Modern and every other gallery closed in March. I saw my interests imploding around me essentially within a week. My last outing was to a pub where they wiped the tables between guests and also wiped the menus. It was a very quiet pub lunch with my Mum and sister, a small bottle of prosecco and a gradual sense that everything was changing.
Now, a year later, I am sitting and writing this piece. I know what I am hoping to do with this blog but whether I achieve it, only I will know.
The Covid-19 pandemic has fundamentally changed everything. Society has fortunately evolved from post apocalyptic scenes of people fighting over toilet rolls in crowded shops. One of the most shocking scenes of the last year was in March last year when I went shopping with Mum to see the skeletal remains of the consumer culture, we are all hopelessly attached to. A single can of pilchards on the shelf and isolated oddities that no-one wanted. After all, who can live without three types of tomato ketchup and a bag of crisps?
I went to work as ever. I was redeployed to a Wellbeing Hub where I met some lovely people. Many of whom, I now count as friends. Every hospital needs a Wellbeing Hub and more importantly, needs to focus on the mental health and physical wellbeing of staff. It has been given lip service by a number of organisations for years but now, it is finally being given the focus it deserves.
Fundamentally, my experience of the Covid-19 pandemic has embraced the five stages of grief as identified by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her book, 'On Death and Dying', denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Apparently, these can be experienced in any order and usefully, they regularly also apply to all forms of separation. I think in my case, the denial side of the equation hasn't really materialised as when you see lots of seriously ill people and learn of the suffering of friends, you can't turn a blind eye to an invisible enemy that seriously works over your immunity system.
I think for lots of people, anger has been the prevailing emotion at various points. This has been as much to do with the inept and quite frankly, horrific handling of the pandemic by the state. The non-stop empty platitudes and reassurances that everything would be fine by September then December then May 2021. The contradictory advice, wear masks but don't wear them if you don't have to or feel that you have a reasonable excuse for not wearing them. Above all, the never-ending press conferences perpetuating non-sensical figures in the form of graphs and pie charts that even the people presenting them didn't understand. The figures you relay to a scared public represent lives lost and loved ones who just last month were sitting laughing and drinking tea with you! I think when this pandemic is under control, some lessons will need to be learnt. My faith in the government has gone.
At one point during the pandemic, I sought therapeutic support via Workplace Options (I was lucky enough to be able to talk through some of my issues with clinical staff who came into the Wellbeing Hub). My problems were (and I guess) are no different to lots of other people. I have had mental health issues at various points and the pandemic enabled certain aspects of my life to reemerge. The main thing was this constant sense of being at a crossroads and not going anywhere. The pandemic was (and is) giving me a proverbial kick up the rear end. I need to future proof. I have used that phrase so much in the last seven months or so. I need to feel that I have goals, things to look forward to and hopefully, someone to share them with. Depression etc often leaves the sufferer focusing intently on the present. Once you have explored the past and dug through the wreckage of the events that have helped to inform the present you, one piece of constant advice is to take each day as it comes. The only trouble with focusing on now all the time is this niggling sense at the back of your head, that tomorrow isn't coming quickly enough. Indeed, you forget what tomorrow has the potential of becoming.
The most significant conclusion that I reached with the therapist (on the phone) was the fact that the pandemic could not be controlled by anyone and will go on for as long as it does. It is a relief when you return to the things that you can face. You can help people on a more localised level. It helps when there are no time limits attached to things. Your expectations cannot be shattered. Yes, the pandemic will pass and may or may not keep returning, but hey, yes you, you are breathing, smiling in the mirror and offering comfort and support to others. You are doing okay.
I have learnt the most interesting things about myself this year and also met the loveliest people in so many different contexts. My suggestion to everyone is that they explore the good things that they have encountered or picked up during the pandemic.
I like trees. I like how they look. Their varying appearances. How they relate to the environment around them. They age, they decay, they change. They are my role models. I will try to be more tree if that is possible. Trees may appear static but they are constantly moving. Their roots stretching to obtain new space, more nutrients and more friends of the insect variety.
My cultural interests have continued to be nourished. Theatre and performance haven't disappeared, they have just gone online. Also books remain a seamless comfort when things feel hopeless.
I have met some important cultural role models and participated in a show. I am going to mention you here, Juliette Burton as I tremendously respect your work around mental health and your sense of humour. You offer your experiences as catharsis or at least, openings for others. Little avenues into shared feelings. Talking about feelings is the most important feature of my year to date. If I feel it, I say it.
The people in the Wellbeing Hub and my other team at work have also offered many valuable lessons. I have learnt the importance of spontaneity and random play. I can sing and dance badly. I can be inspired to create in an improvisational style. You throw me a line and I can mould it for your pleasure and delectation. I have marveled at the beauty of my friends' creativity (Emily with her photography and Richard with his art forms and writing etc). Project Wingman has also been inspirational within hospital Trusts and healthcare organisations around the country. For me, another major contributor to the positive energies counterbalancing the negative aspects of the pandemic. I have had the pleasure of working with them too within the Wellbeing Hub. Basically, they came together as a result of lots of airline crew being furloughed and have actively continued to promote wellbeing within health organisations. Their sheer vitality and skills at sourcing donations are second to none.
Significantly, my foray with online dating continues and I am communicating with someone who knows that soft matters.
My one message to you all is to metaphorically touch the people around you, let them know you care, listen to them and please remember that when all is said and done, you are human. The mistakes you perceive as dreadful may be a blip. Be there for yourself. You are loved. Also and most importantly, it is not selfish to want change.
Barry Watt - Thursday 18th March 2021.
Afterword.
The Tate Modern is based in London and has some wonderful exhibitions when it is open:
https://www.tate.org.uk/visit/tate-modern
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' book 'On Death and Dying' is published by Scribner books amongst others.
Workplace Options is an organisation that essentially provides outsourced therapeutic support to the staff of certain organisations such as many hospitals:
https://www.workplaceoptions.co.uk/
Juliette Burton is a very talented individual who is a comedian and genuinely nice person. Please support her shows and work:
https://www.julietteburton.co.uk/
Emily Rose Hamilton is a wedding photographer who laughs at my dolphin impersonations. If I were getting married, I would hire her:
http://emilyrosephotography.co.uk/
Project Wingman is a truly miraculous ensemble of airline staff using their furlough to volunteer in the creation and maintenance of Wellbeing Hubs around the country:
https://www.projectwingman.co.uk/
The King's College Hospital NHS Foundation Trust recently won an award in the HSJ Awards 2020 for 'Workplace Initiative of the Year'. I look forward to seeing how the wellbeing programme continues to develop in the years to come (the Wellbeing Hubs are part of the overall programme):
If you need support or advice on mental health issues, there are a number of organisations that can help you. I have listed two below:
BW.
Photos.
 |
| This parakeet has a message for you, 'Be Kind!' |
 |
| This squirrel has a message too, 'Smiling at the camera is soooo last year!' BW |
